Swim meets and "mommy guilt."

Most moms in this generation of new mothers have probably heard of and related to the term "mommy guilt." I'd never heard of the phenomenon until I saw it on the internet...probably a "mommy blogger" blog post. Which is funny because isn't that where all this mommy guilt originates from? Irrationally comparing ourselves to other moms we see mostly on the internet who have perfect families with perfect children and cook perfect meals? (I'm kidding of course, at least about the perfect part.) For some reason when we see someone have a great mommy moment, we deduce that we NEVER have great mommy moments. This new cyber-mom era is SO GREAT....and so not great sometimes.  I think about what parenting must have been like for my great grandparents, grandparents, and even my own parents...without the internet! No one telling you why THESE FIVE FOODS are soooo bad for your children and why these 10 PARENTING TIPS will make your child the most well-behaved, polite, and kind child there ever was!  I wonder if they felt the "guilt" as much as our generation of parents (particularly mothers) do.  At the same time, how GREAT is it to be able to connect with other people from all around the world and relate to their very same and very real struggles? It's wonderful! But can also be destructive if we let it.

I refuse to read self-help and parenting books or blogs.  Not because I think I know all the answers or because I don't think I need help as a mom, because I NEED answers.  Daily.  And lots and lots of help, too.  And those books and blogs about what to do, what not to do, what to avoid, and what works for "this type" of personality offer a lot of well-meaning advice with the genuine intent of giving help, but they are usually quite void of answers.  At least the kind of answers that apply to my very unique and individual circumstance as a parent of two very unique and individual people.  And even when I do find something that works for me and my kids, it usually doesn't last and I'm left alone back at square-one with a new load of mommy-guilt strapped to my shoulders because "I can't do anything right and I'm messing up my child's life!"   Mommy-guilt is soooo dramatic.

The other day I explained this feeling to Nathaniel by describing it as a swim meet.  I used to swim on a competitive swim team in the summers and, being not very competitive in nature, could readily recall the feelings of coming in 2nd, 3rd, or last place.  I can still visualize the 3rd lap in a 100-freestyle race.  By that third lap, I was tired and my legs were on auto pilot.  My breaths were quick and deliberate and my focus would come off of the swimming and on to where I placed among the other swimmers.  I'd come up for air and quickly glance forward and behind to get an idea of how my hard swimming ranked in comparison to the other swimmers.  It was not uncommon to find myself a lap behind one or two (or all) swimmers.  I would become discouraged. "I'm swimming as hard as my body will let me. There is no way I can catch up."
I'll stop there for a second because that's exactly how mommy guilt feels.  Am I right? It's this depressing, discouraging feeling that my own strength is not enough.  No matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who can do better. 

Well.  I don't think "mommy guilt" is all that new.  And I don't think you have to be a mom to feel it, either.  The term in and of itself is deceiving.  What is guilt anyway?  Is guilt something we feel when we're comparing our actions against the actions of someone else?  No.  That's just mean ol' comparison and, in my opinion, an unreal illusion of our need to be perfect.  Real guilt is personal.  It is a comparison of our wrong actions against what we know is right, not against what is right for someone else.  The other day I got to my car after a trip to Aldi and realized I had short-changed the cashier on accident.  I had paid for 20 cans of tomato sauce when I took 24.  Four cans of tomato sauce priced at 25 cents a piece.  No one else knew I had taken the extra 4 cans.  It was only a dollar.  BUT, had I not returned to the store to purchase 4 more cans of tomato sauce, I would have undoubtedly felt guilt because I know in my heart that it's not right to steal.
There is something else I've learned about guilt.  Guilt, in my opinion, is the Holy Ghost reminding us that we've acted against our conscience.  I have never genuinely felt guilt without a prompting of how to resolve it.  In other words, heavenly guilt is centered on progress.  It never makes you feel worthless or incapable.  Satan does that.  Heavenly Father never leaves us alone and never stops loving us, no matter what.  He'd never tell us we're not good enough or that we're so far gone that we don't deserve help.  "We are the reason He created the universe!...This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God" (Dieter F. Uchtdorf).

So, my point is, are we really feeling a prompting to change and progress when our child throws tantrums but our neighbor's kid doesn't and we tell ourselves "you're just not doing it right"? Or we've spent the whole day in our pajamas doing housework but didn't get those emails out like we wanted to and tell ourselves "You don't know how to manage your time. You can't do this." ?  Is that guilt that moves us toward progress as a person or guilt that sends a false image of our identity and pushes us toward retreat?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is a bad thing to feel guilt as a mother.  I have promptings all the time that send that yucky pit to my stomach and then are followed by an answer on how to be better. Those guilt feelings rarely come after I've compared my parenting to the parenting of someone else.  They come in quiet moments when I reflect on how many times I snapped at my kids in a day or spent too much time on my phone instead of living in the moment with my family.  They never make me feel worthless, instead they gently rebuke and promise peace if I try to be better.  They remind me of my imperfect state, but also of my perfect brother, Jesus Christ, who knows exactly how to help me be better.  They draw me closer to Christ, not away from Him. They remind me that I don't have to be a PERFECT parent to be a SUCCESSFUL and HAPPY parent.

I love this quote from President Clark G. Gilbert, President of BYU-Idaho, "You don't have to be perfect as a parent, you simply have to do your best and ask the Lord to make up the difference."

One of my greatest challenges as a mother has been learning how to differentiate between real guilt and the infamous "mommy guilt."  I am comforted to know that "the family is ordained of God" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) and that "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." When I pray for guidance with these truths in mind and about my individual children and circumstance, real answers come.  Not always as quickly and with as many immediate "fixes" as a google search, but they come step by step and are individually tailored to me and my family.

Going back to my floundering in last place at a swim meet...
There were so many times I just wanted to give up and not finish the race.  What's the point if you're just going to lose?? No ribbon to hang on the wall?! Lame! It was at those moments I would look somewhere else.  At the end of the lap, there would always be my mom and dad and a coach or two cheering me on like they thought I was the best swimmer they'd ever seen! I can still feel the change in my perspective as I turned my focus to finishing instead of winning.  My discouragement was replaced with determination and my pity changed to peace knowing the people that mattered the most still believed in me and would be proud of me no matter what. Most of all, I always had strength to finish and was sometimes surprised it wasn't dead last!
I can relate so much to those seemingly insignificant memories of my childhood because they are magnified and so in-tune with how I feel now as a mom.  When I'm discouraged in the day-to-day laps of motherhood, I am so grateful to have mentors and cheerleaders who remind me it's not a race and that I'm doing better than I think.  As I'm learning to tune out the fake guilt and embrace the opportunities to be better as a mother, it becomes much more clear we're all on the same team and we're all totally floundering in our own ways! haha

I'll just end with this video.  Grab a tissue.

 

These days.

I keep having these moments of panic with my kids, like I can't soak them up fast enough.  They are so CUTE!!! And so unbelievably exhausting! hahah But I'm trying to just ingrain their little chubby faces and tongue-tied speech into my mind so I remember them how they are today.  Tomorrow they may wake up less-little and able to pronounce things like library instead of liberry and yes instead of aye.

Here are some Ember-isms from the last little while:

"Mom! The rain is watering our garden! Thank you, rain!!"  deepest voice she can muster: "You're welcome."

Looking in her bowl of Cheerios: "Awww, mom, this little buddy misses his family....." "I'm gonna eat 'em!"

"Do we have any young juice? The juice in the fridge is kinda old."

Looking at the ultrasound pic of her new baby brother: "Look, Akston! We're going to have a brother!"
Me: "What should we name him? Do you like Samuel?"
Ember: "I do like it..." pointing to the picture: "But, he's not a prophet."

"How come when you're around Star Wars has too much fighting? Dad let's us watch it." (hahahaha He can't get away with anything anymore!)

We told her that if she earned half of the money to pay for roller skates, we'd pay the rest: "Hey! I have an idea! I don't need to get coins for my skates! I can just get them for Christmas!"......

Ember had been sick.  I asked: "Are you feeling okay?" Ember: "No, not yet......" "But, I will!"


And, now, introducing with his newest compilation of vocabulary....Akston-isms:

Translations:
"Aye": Yes
"uck": Truck (I've got some looks from this one...)
"Emers!": Ember!
"Am-ma": Grandma
"ah-you": Hold you
"are-way": the other way
"Ka-kick": blanket
"ulk": Milk, walk, park...
"elcome": Thank you (hahaha, this one kills me. He thinks "you're welcome" means "thank you")
"ba-pool": Temple
"Mah-ee": Mommy
"No!": No! (He's got that one down.)

This pretty much sums up our little boy:
Me to Ember: "Would you like a granola bar?"
Akston (mouth stuffed full): "Aye!"

He always loves what I cook and will take a bite at dinner and say:
"Mah-ee. Mah-ee. Mah-ee!" until I look at him.  Then he'll say, "Mmmm"

He is the sassiest little thing ever! He has these duck-lips he makes if I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do.  His favorite words are "No! Mine!" The two's are coming in beautifully...

Love these two crazies and I'm so excited to have another baby brother to add to the mix in a few months!

Taken.

Sometimes Nathaniel and I jokingly refer to our pre-children married days as our single days.  One of us accidentally called it that one time and we thought it was pretty funny. Even though we were married and technically not "single," there was still the potential that if either one of us wanted to have some, I don't know, privacy or alone time, that wasn't an issue.  That potential has long since diminished once these cute little people arrived.  I actually think LDS missionaries have more privacy than I do.  At least they can shower alone and sleep in their own bed. Haha! I get a special little companion every step I take, every single day.  And I am happily "taken."

Today in WalMart I had one of those experiences that I'm pretty sure you have to have in order to graduate from parenting toddlers.  It was the best because Nathaniel was actually with us on this shopping trip.  Normally I take the kids while he's at work.  So I feel like my Mother's Day gift is going to be AWESOME next year because he has so much pity on me. hahaha Akston is a screamer...just plain and simple.  The boy can wake the dead, I believe.  Actually I know because it's usually how I'm forced out of my post-sleep state in the mornings.  I think he's going to make a great missionary one day and be a powerful voice for the Lord.
Until then....ouch.

Anyway, while in WalMart turning heads, I had a quick throwback to my "single" days.  I remembered seeing the moms who were doing just what I was doing today and thinking "I can't wait to be them." It really changed my perspective.  There's always the few that give grumpy looks, but there is likely one or two cheering you on quietly from the next aisle over.  I met one of the cheerleaders at the checkout.  She was playing peek-a-boo with Akston and commenting on what a little cutie he is.  Then she said, "I've been where you are." She looked at her pre-teen daughter standing next to her and said, "and now they're all grown up in a blink of an eye."  She encouraged me and told me I wasn't alone.  However, the kindest thing she said to me was, "I can tune screaming babies out!" haha If only it were so for the rest of the store!

Today I'm grateful for cheerleaders like that sweet lady.  I've met so many in my last three years of motherhood.  Most of all I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father who is our greatest cheerleader.  Even if every person on the planet spoke against my parenting and disapproved of the way I choose to raise my children, I can feel His approbation as I try and that's enough for me.

“You are doing God's work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you, and He will bless you, --even--no, -especially--when your days and your nights may be most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and weep over their responsibility as mothers, `Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.' And it will make your children whole as well.” -Jeffrey R. Holland

"In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island... Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones." -Jeffrey R. Holland 

 

One for the books.

Every night before we put the kids to bed, we have a little routine where we read scriptures (meaning Nathaniel reads and I try to keep the kid's screaming to a minimum) and we pray together.  To accomplish this seemingly simple task, we have to have our children pretend they are either a butterfly or a dragon, respectively.  It's really quite the process.  A routine to precede a routine, if you will.

First, Ember slides on her belly proclaiming, "I'm a caterpillar!" until she reaches my lap where upon she slithers on top and locks my arms around her waist until she is comfortably assembled in her "cocoon."  I have told her she needs to listen to the scriptures and be reverent during the prayer before her cocoon can open and her butterfly wings are revealed in all their imaginative glory (to which she reminds me, "Caterpillars don't have arms to be reverent with...").  She is then permitted to float around the living room for a few minutes before picking her story for bedtime.
The dragon simply claims his milk cup and then slowly backs up his little diapered bottom into his daddy's lap to assume the position in his "dragon egg." Same rules apply though much less of a process.  But still really adorable.

This silly little game usually works really well for us! They sit quiet (mostly) and pretend to listen and for a second we actually feel like, "okay, we get them. This is working!"
Then, every once in a while, we have an episode like last night that keeps us real humble and reminds us who REALLY runs the house.

The little butterfly decided to mix things up last night and bounced on to my lap and plopped herself down so we were looking at each other face-to-face.  Her little arm flung up to reveal my iPhone she had found on the floor....and then she let go.  The little white brick went flying...into my face.  I flopped sideways with my hand over my eye then ran to the kitchen where I removed my hand to reveal blood! I totally burst into tears HAHA, which sent Nathaniel running in followed by our sweet worried little girl.  Thaniel was getting ice, I was washing the blood off and trying to tell Ember "Mommy's ok! It was an accident!"  Then she slipped on some spilled water onto her ankle and starts sobbing! Akston is now hysterical and Nathaniel's just running around trying to comfort everyone. HAHA! It is so funny now. It was awful then!

He swooped up the kids and left the room.  I soon heard Sofia the First playing in the background, the kids were quiet, and he comes in with his medic hands equipped with hydrogen peroxide and a butterfly bandaid.  He fixed me up...his pathetic, sobbing, bloody wife who just got beat up by a 3-year-old with an iPhone. hahahaha  The best part: He then puts his arm around me and says, "I think you handled that really well." HAHA!

Oh man.  You can't win 'em all.  But when you do... it looks a lot like last night.  Messy, tearful, painful, adorable, emotional, forgiving, nurturing and happy.  Just not so much reverent and quiet...but we'll get there.

Easter

We had a lovely Easter spending time with family and listening to LDS General Conference.  Since conference sessions were from noon-2:00pm and 4:00-6:00pm here, both kids napped during the morning sessions and Nathaniel and I got to really listen together! We spent the afternoon's at my parent's house eating too much food and swooning over Ember's hysterical wittiness and Akston's new walking legs.  We missed all our family west of us! Here are a few (or a little more than a few...) pictures for our family we didn't get to see this weekend!

My kids LOVE those little fruit/veggie pouches at the store, so the bunny stocked them up. :)

This picture about sums up Akston's reaction to all the Easter festivities. "When can we go outside??"

 On the hunt!

The bunny left pieces of his bunny tail as a clue to find more eggs! (Grandpa is the best bunny around! Before we got to their house, he and Grandma had filled FIFTY eggs.  Nathaniel and my dad hid the eggs outside and my had scattered little pieces of cotton around as "bunny tail." hahah! I mean, is he not the best?!)

Intent on exploring and leaving the eggs for big sis.

I didn't even know rabbits could jump that high!

Best daddy in the world.

 Sortin' the loot.

Ember loves taking "pitchers." I'm glad cause we hardly ever get any together and she's getting pretty good!

Sunday morning baking.  We decided to make a bunny cake this year! Ember painted his little ears and we almost couldn't eat him, he was so cute!

This is his spot.  Claimed territory for the Ax-man.  He likes to feel the breeze through his little mullet and tell the neighbors, "Hi!"

We're so in love with this little scraggly, dirty, happy, chunky monkey!

 And his big sister is just the sunshine to our life!

Happy Easter!

A post from 3 years ago

Today I found this post I had written almost three years ago when I was pregnant with Ember.  I don't know why I never posted it.  Probably because I was too afraid of sounding dramatic.  But what is more dramatic and scary than becoming a mother?! 

Now, three years later, I did it! I became a mom...twice...and it was all okay.  The only thing I didn't realize then was that my need for God would be so much greater in the mothering than even in the processes of becoming a mother.  I'm learning more every day how much I need my Heavenly Father in the little moments.  The times I question and doubt and feel guilt and struggle with feeling inadequate.  All of those just come with the package of being an imperfect mom trying to raise two kids perfectly! Ha! But it's still hard and I am so very grateful for the peace I feel in my heart when I pray to my Heavenly Father. It's the same peace now as it was 3 years ago and two years before that when I became a wife and countless other times. 

I'm so proud of my 22-year-old self three years ago, because without her faith and courage, I would have missed so much.  I hope my 28-year-old self three years down the road can say the same thing about how I am trying to be now.

"Lately I have felt a tad overwhelmed. Today marks 31 weeks of my pregnancy. For some reason, that just doesn't seem possible. It feels like it was yesterday that Nathaniel was getting home from Iraq and now all of a sudden we're going to have a real life baby?!?! This is big news people! Oh yeah...we've known for about 7 months now...hmm. It has just really hit me lately that this is real. She is real. She is mine. Mine to keep forever. I've never felt so overwhelmed. I've never felt so completely, fully consumed with gratitude.

I've had this fear that when the doctor hands that sweet, innocent baby angel into my arms that I will feel so small in her presence. That, somehow, her tiny fingers will be larger than my confidence to be her mother. I'm scared that I will just want to hand her to my mom--someone who is qualified for the job--and that I will want to be mothered more than I want to mother. Because, after all, I am clueless and young and inexperienced and still so much of a child myself. 

"God calls ordinary men and women to do extraordinary things."  A man said that today at church. He wasn't talking about motherhood, but to me he was. I am ordinary and so imperfect. I am so young. To some, I am irresponsible and naive. But I know God has a plan for me. He sees me for who I can be. I can't let fear stop me from becoming that person. I may be approaching a huge step into the dark, but my own mother taught me where to find the light switch. Now it's my turn. And the sweetest experience I could ever have in this life is feeling His peace surround me and hearing the gentle whisper to my soul, "I trust you. Follow my commandments. You have been prepared for this and I will never leave you alone.""

Our big 1-year-old and Valentine's Day

Since moving to Virginia one year ago last week, life has been a whirlwind! It makes me tired just thinking about it!  It's still surreal that we left the place we fell in love, got married in, and had both our sweet babies in a whole year ago.  But we have made some awesome memories since moving back to my old stomping grounds. :)  We bought our first home in November.  It's a little 3 bedroom townhome in the best location we could ask for.  We're a good distance from a big city, but not too far from Target...so basically, perfection. Plus we're surrounded by several farms and fresh yummy produce.  It's the perfect amount of "country" for me.  I don't think Nathaniel would mind a few more potato cellars and mountains, if he could add his two-cents.  But! He has about a 45-minute commute to work and doesn't have to worry about the terrible mess of I-95 and that's a blessing in and of itself! It feels good to be making a home for our little family. And having Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Em down the street is just the cherry on top.

Ax-man had his first birthday at the beginning of February! He's the funniest little dude and we adore him!  He had ZERO hesitation about devouring his cake and asking for more. But that wasn't too big of shock since he out-eats me every meal.

In celebration of Valentine's Day, we played a LOVE matching game with pictures from our family's love story. The pics started from the week Nathaniel and I met and went until Akston was born. 

Our Valentine's to the kiddos.

So, Nathaniel has this thing with calling in to radio stations when I forget to get him books-on-tape from the library.  haha! Well this time his commute to work paid off! He won 4 tickets to see Disney on Ice in D.C.! The tickets were only good if the place wasn't sold out, so we went on Valentine's Day in the morning thinking there wouldn't be a lot of people.  Well, we showed up and I got really nervous because there were kids in tutu's and parents with cotton candy everywhere! Nathaniel went up and was able to get tickets, but by the sound of the ticket-person's voice, we didn't think they were very good seats.  We ended up being on the floor a few rows from the front! 
Since Akston is under 2, Emma got to come with us!  

All three of them equally enthralled. haha

To finish off our date, we grabbed Chipotle for lunch and went to the Marine Corp Museum to see the cool airplanes and walk around.