What Equality Means to Me

I can't help but feel this overwhelming need to share with my friends and family what I believe at this crucial time in our country's/world's history.  So here it goes. I hope you can feel my sincerity through this impersonal virtual setting and that you can take my thoughts with as much love and consideration as you can possibly muster.

I'm trying to do the same.
Because there are a lot of opinions and deep feelings that are being shared right now by people who believe with all their hearts that one thing is right, while others take the opposite view with just as much passion. Both sides deserve to be heard, because that's how we learn from each other and from God. By asking questions, seeking answers, receiving them for ourselves, and then acting.

This is what I have learned for myself.  When I was 8 years old, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). I knew at that young age that it was the right thing for me to do. I later learned why. What I learned was that, by making the commitment to be baptized, I made a commitment to the human family that I would mourn with those that mourn and that I would do everything I could to take Christ's name upon me by the way I treated my fellowman. In other words, I promised to be my brother's keeper.  I want more than anything to be like my Savior, Jesus Christ. This is what I know about him: He is kind. He is selfless. He is humble. He is obedient. He is so loving, so understanding. He is no respecter of persons.  He is always there. He is forgiving. He is gentle. He is perfect. He came to Earth, lived a perfect life, and died so that justice for our sins, pains, heartache, imperfections could be met with mercy.  We just have to believe Him. He is all-knowing. His entire purpose is to bring me and everyone back to Him.

He didn't leave us alone. He put us in families. There is a divine design that enables a man and a woman to create life. I know with all my heart that when this creation occurs under the appropriate seal of marriage, that so many blessings come to that intimate circle of individuals.  The word "family" has so many definitions in today's world. I don't doubt for one moment that two men or two women wouldn't be able to love each other or a child and give themselves a beautiful life and family. I don't assume that attraction to someone of the same gender is immoral and sinful. But I do believe that God has a high standard of morality and that standard is that sexual intimacy is to be held sacred between a man and a woman bound by the covenant of marriage. Any action outside of that boundary would then become a sin or acting against God's loving commandment. What a beautiful and protective standard. What a blessing to be able to bring His children into the world.  What a sacred and inspiring responsibility.  How overwhelmingly grateful I am that the Lord loves us enough to give us standards and commandments.  And that brings me to something else that I know. I know that there is such a thing as right and wrong and they are universal. I have learned in my life that doing what is wrong brings pain in the long run and doing what is right brings peace and happiness.

I know that I am a child of God. And because I know that, I know that everyone else is His child, too.  I know God loves me. And because I know that, I know He loves everyone else, too.  No one should ever feel alone in this world. We belong to each other. We share the same planet and are part of the same eternal plan of a loving Heavenly Father who wants so badly for us to be happy. And even if we feel otherwise, His plan will always lead us to happiness. Sometimes it takes a lot of faith to believe it. But He doesn't give up on us, even when we don't believe Him.

In a world where unconditional love is almost impossible to find, it is hard to imagine a God with such a capacity. Especially if we have been hurt by another person. How could a loving God exist when so much pain coexists?? I believe it is because next to His love for us is His love for agency and choice. God wants so badly for us to return to Him, but He won't force us. He wants us to choose Him and, unfortunately and painfully, that freedom allows for error. I believe with all my conviction that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all wrongs will one day be made right. All pain will be swallowed up by His everlasting sacrifice if we only have faith and courage and strength to choose Him and His unpopular path.

As for me, I can not judge what another person chooses. I haven't walked in his/her shoes. I have my own weakness and failures that make me so painfully imperfect. I have so much to learn from other people and I feel it my duty and privilege to add my voice to the many others that have spoken on this issue.  I hope it is a voice of love and peace. I pray it is a voice of hope.

7 & 8 Months

Sometimes life gets busy and you forget to record 2 months of your child's life.  And since 'pregnancy brain' never TRULY goes away...you start forgetting real fast how she's growing like a weed and these are precious moments you should totally be writing down because one day you'll want to know when your baby got her first tooth or when she had her first spout of hyper-ness and wouldn't stop giggling at anything and everything you did...or the first time she LOVED something you made from scratch and your heart melted from the built-in mommy instincts that make providing for your little cub feel so fulfilling and so right. (Sorry for the run-on...it's how my brain works nowadays).  These are good times. And by good, I mean the best.

Little Miss Ember Jo is 8 1/2 months old and, if I could, I would freeze her right where she is and live a long, happy life of baby bliss. Still no crawling (hence the "bliss" part). :) She wants to walk ALL. THE. TIME. The second she sees me, she stretches out her chubby little hands until she can grasp my fingers, pulls herself up, and away we go.

Adventure Time with Dad

She learned to wave and it's just stinkin cute. She's saying "da-da," "ba-ba," "ma-ma," "du-du," and a variety of t's and s's and squeals and fake coughs.  She also likes to whisper.  Except for when we're in church or the car...then she lets go full throttle.

5 Generations!

She looks at me for approval on everything! She'll be playing with her toys and decides to give a full monologue to Betty, her rattle, then she'll finish it off and look over to make sure I heard. Or she'll get on her hands and knees from a sitting position and look up to make sure I'm there cheering.  She always returns the approval with the gummiest, eye-squinting grin.

New and Exciting Things:

First tooth: January 23rd, 2013
First solid food: End of February
Favorite food right now: Mom's chicken noodle soup (particularly the celery) & strawberries
Current loves: When I blow dry my hair, peek-a-boo on the changing table, bath time, being in stroller when we run, outside, other kids, and last but not least....apple cinnamon star puffs because they give her teeth(see pic below).

"They call me Ember...like Dec-ember, without the Dec.."

A long weekend.

Nathaniel applied to grad school this past Friday and we are SO happy to have that process over!! We know it's all in the Lord's hands now and are excited and hopeful about what lies ahead in the next few months.

To celebrate this accomplishment (and to give my poor husband a little break), we decided to head north to Ashton, ID on Saturday for some dog sled races! I had looked up the events that were taking place the night before so we'd know what there was to do. The website had a list of different booths and vendors and fun competitions that would be happening throughout the day. We decided to wait until Ember could take her afternoon nap before we went, so we didn't make it to the races until 3pm. Come to find out...we were a little late. All the races were finished and the "booths" turned out to be a singular booth where raffles tickets were being sold to win a tailgating kit. hahaha It was still so much fun just to be together in a new place and experience something out of the ordinary for both of us.

We made it in time for the Weight-pull competition where different dogs pulled sleds of various weights to see who was the strongest. The dogs were SO beautiful and so energetic. Ember wasn't sure what to think of their spontaneous barks and fluffy fur.

We stayed for about a half an hour and then decided to go get some ice cream at the Frost Top. Thaniel got a swirl cone and I got a root beer float. So yummy.

We decided to take a scenic route home since we weren't expecting to spend so little time in Ashton. We drove through what seemed like endless fields of perfectly undisturbed snow. It was gorgeous.

 

 We didn't realize that the road we took went all the way to Teton Valley! The Teton's are the most majestic mountains I have ever seen. You can see them from Rexburg on clear days and I've always been so captivated by how grand they are. Some things just make you feel so small. And peaceful, too.

We talked about the future and about our dreams. And being in the middle of Nowhere, Idaho, amidst the grandeur surrounding us, everything was put into perspective and I felt so blessed and just so completely grateful for the life I'm living and for the man and little girl I share it with.

6 Months

Now that it's a week before she turns 7-months-old, I thought I'd do my monthly Ember update!

That picture was taken the on her half birthday!

Ember is SO FUN! She is getting so big and her little personality is just tugging at our heart strings. She's such a doll. Around Christmas-time, she started sitting up without falling after a few seconds. She's a pro now. Still not venturing into the world of movement...but she's definitely taking interest in more of her surroundings. We joke that she's too content to crawl. There is seriously NOTHING I can persuade her with. If she wants a toy that's out of her reach, she'll stretch her little arms out for about two seconds and then just find something else that's closer. If she's hungry and I put her bottle just out of reaching distance...she'll just suck on her hand. No crying...just makes herself happy. haha Stinker.  We'll enjoy our non-baby-proofed house for a couple more weeks.

Her newest trick is sitting up in the bath and bending her body forward to lick up the water with her tongue.

Monthly Stats:

Weight at 6 month appointment: 14 lbs. 9 oz.

Height: 25.5 inches

She's chunkin' out and we're lovin it!

And here are a few family pics from Christmas.

Whoa. Maybe I can do this.

I remember being a teenager and daydreaming about my future family.  I couldn't wait to be a Mom and a Wife. That's all I wanted in the world.  Just to decorate my home, cook good meals, fold laundry, rock my babies, read good books, be an active member in my church, and enjoy the quiet joy of a marriage relationship that had grown from first-date-butterflies into comfortable familiarity.  I could see myself as that woman and I couldn't wait to be her.

I realized that after all my daydreaming and hoping and longing, one day, I would have to make it reality. I would have to flip the switch and become the person I so desperately wanted to be. And there was no way I could do that unless I was married and had children. How do you learn to be a wife until you're a wife? How can you be a good mom until you have a child to mother? That way of thinking can make your days feel so long and the wait feel eternal.

Then I got married.
I was a Wife to a real-life Husband. And I was supposed to be the woman up there^! When I didn't measure up (many a burnt meal or failed homemade mayonnaise had to be endured..), I felt so down on myself and so far from my goal. I knew it was silly then and I know it's silly now, but darn it, I wanted to be super-woman. Was that so much to ask??

Well, truth is, I still sometimes feel that way. Being a new mom with so many expectations for myself as a parent can sometimes feel so impossible. Like every mom, I want so badly for little Ember to be so happy and to have the best possible home to live in.  But thankfully, being a good Mom or a good Wife doesn't seem to just happen with a switch.  It's built with little moments and lots of patience.

Today I had just finished making dinner and my toe hurt from where a can of tomato sauce fell from the cupboard, bounced off my laptop and landed smack-dab on my foot.  I was stomping around in frustration and bouncing back and forth between the kitchen and Ember's bedroom where she was supposed to be napping.  And as I finished making a bottle and serving our plates, it hit me. Kristen! You're doing it. ....It wasn't what I had always imagined...I certainly wasn't super woman or else I would have thrown that can 10 miles up the street and my laundry was still half in the dryer, half on the bedroom floor...but it was better, because it was real-life and I was learning along the way. And for those 15 minutes... I was exactly where I wanted to be, with exactly who I wanted to be with, and I was exactly who I wanted to become. A small fleeting moment, but such a relief. Maybe it isn't so impossible.