Today I found this post I had written almost three years ago when I was pregnant with Ember. I don't know why I never posted it. Probably because I was too afraid of sounding dramatic. But what is more dramatic and scary than becoming a mother?!
Now, three years later, I did it! I became a mom...twice...and it was all okay. The only thing I didn't realize then was that my need for God would be so much greater in the mothering than even in the processes of becoming a mother. I'm learning more every day how much I need my Heavenly Father in the little moments. The times I question and doubt and feel guilt and struggle with feeling inadequate. All of those just come with the package of being an imperfect mom trying to raise two kids perfectly! Ha! But it's still hard and I am so very grateful for the peace I feel in my heart when I pray to my Heavenly Father. It's the same peace now as it was 3 years ago and two years before that when I became a wife and countless other times.
I'm so proud of my 22-year-old self three years ago, because without her faith and courage, I would have missed so much. I hope my 28-year-old self three years down the road can say the same thing about how I am trying to be now.
"Lately I have felt a tad overwhelmed. Today marks 31 weeks of my pregnancy. For some reason, that just doesn't seem possible. It feels like it was yesterday that Nathaniel was getting home from Iraq and now all of a sudden we're going to have a real life baby?!?! This is big news people! Oh yeah...we've known for about 7 months now...hmm. It has just really hit me lately that this is real. She is real. She is mine. Mine to keep forever. I've never felt so overwhelmed. I've never felt so completely, fully consumed with gratitude.
I've had this fear that when the doctor hands that sweet, innocent baby angel into my arms that I will feel so small in her presence. That, somehow, her tiny fingers will be larger than my confidence to be her mother. I'm scared that I will just want to hand her to my mom--someone who is qualified for the job--and that I will want to be mothered more than I want to mother. Because, after all, I am clueless and young and inexperienced and still so much of a child myself.
"God calls ordinary men and women to do extraordinary things." A man said that today at church. He wasn't talking about motherhood, but to me he was. I am ordinary and so imperfect. I am so young. To some, I am irresponsible and naive. But I know God has a plan for me. He sees me for who I can be. I can't let fear stop me from becoming that person. I may be approaching a huge step into the dark, but my own mother taught me where to find the light switch. Now it's my turn. And the sweetest experience I could ever have in this life is feeling His peace surround me and hearing the gentle whisper to my soul, "I trust you. Follow my commandments. You have been prepared for this and I will never leave you alone.""
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