I refuse to read self-help and parenting books or blogs. Not because I think I know all the answers or because I don't think I need help as a mom, because I NEED answers. Daily. And lots and lots of help, too. And those books and blogs about what to do, what not to do, what to avoid, and what works for "this type" of personality offer a lot of well-meaning advice with the genuine intent of giving help, but they are usually quite void of answers. At least the kind of answers that apply to my very unique and individual circumstance as a parent of two very unique and individual people. And even when I do find something that works for me and my kids, it usually doesn't last and I'm left alone back at square-one with a new load of mommy-guilt strapped to my shoulders because "I can't do anything right and I'm messing up my child's life!" Mommy-guilt is soooo dramatic.
The other day I explained this feeling to Nathaniel by describing it as a swim meet. I used to swim on a competitive swim team in the summers and, being not very competitive in nature, could readily recall the feelings of coming in 2nd, 3rd, or last place. I can still visualize the 3rd lap in a 100-freestyle race. By that third lap, I was tired and my legs were on auto pilot. My breaths were quick and deliberate and my focus would come off of the swimming and on to where I placed among the other swimmers. I'd come up for air and quickly glance forward and behind to get an idea of how my hard swimming ranked in comparison to the other swimmers. It was not uncommon to find myself a lap behind one or two (or all) swimmers. I would become discouraged. "I'm swimming as hard as my body will let me. There is no way I can catch up."
I'll stop there for a second because that's exactly how mommy guilt feels. Am I right? It's this depressing, discouraging feeling that my own strength is not enough. No matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who can do better.
Well. I don't think "mommy guilt" is all that new. And I don't think you have to be a mom to feel it, either. The term in and of itself is deceiving. What is guilt anyway? Is guilt something we feel when we're comparing our actions against the actions of someone else? No. That's just mean ol' comparison and, in my opinion, an unreal illusion of our need to be perfect. Real guilt is personal. It is a comparison of our wrong actions against what we know is right, not against what is right for someone else. The other day I got to my car after a trip to Aldi and realized I had short-changed the cashier on accident. I had paid for 20 cans of tomato sauce when I took 24. Four cans of tomato sauce priced at 25 cents a piece. No one else knew I had taken the extra 4 cans. It was only a dollar. BUT, had I not returned to the store to purchase 4 more cans of tomato sauce, I would have undoubtedly felt guilt because I know in my heart that it's not right to steal.
There is something else I've learned about guilt. Guilt, in my opinion, is the Holy Ghost reminding us that we've acted against our conscience. I have never genuinely felt guilt without a prompting of how to resolve it. In other words, heavenly guilt is centered on progress. It never makes you feel worthless or incapable. Satan does that. Heavenly Father never leaves us alone and never stops loving us, no matter what. He'd never tell us we're not good enough or that we're so far gone that we don't deserve help. "We are the reason He created the universe!...This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God" (Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
So, my point is, are we really feeling a prompting to change and progress when our child throws tantrums but our neighbor's kid doesn't and we tell ourselves "you're just not doing it right"? Or we've spent the whole day in our pajamas doing housework but didn't get those emails out like we wanted to and tell ourselves "You don't know how to manage your time. You can't do this." ? Is that guilt that moves us toward progress as a person or guilt that sends a false image of our identity and pushes us toward retreat?
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is a bad thing to feel guilt as a mother. I have promptings all the time that send that yucky pit to my stomach and then are followed by an answer on how to be better. Those guilt feelings rarely come after I've compared my parenting to the parenting of someone else. They come in quiet moments when I reflect on how many times I snapped at my kids in a day or spent too much time on my phone instead of living in the moment with my family. They never make me feel worthless, instead they gently rebuke and promise peace if I try to be better. They remind me of my imperfect state, but also of my perfect brother, Jesus Christ, who knows exactly how to help me be better. They draw me closer to Christ, not away from Him. They remind me that I don't have to be a PERFECT parent to be a SUCCESSFUL and HAPPY parent.
I love this quote from President Clark G. Gilbert, President of BYU-Idaho, "You don't have to be perfect as a parent, you simply have to do your best and ask the Lord to make up the difference."
One of my greatest challenges as a mother has been learning how to differentiate between real guilt and the infamous "mommy guilt." I am comforted to know that "the family is ordained of God" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) and that "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." When I pray for guidance with these truths in mind and about my individual children and circumstance, real answers come. Not always as quickly and with as many immediate "fixes" as a google search, but they come step by step and are individually tailored to me and my family.
Going back to my floundering in last place at a swim meet...There were so many times I just wanted to give up and not finish the race. What's the point if you're just going to lose?? No ribbon to hang on the wall?! Lame! It was at those moments I would look somewhere else. At the end of the lap, there would always be my mom and dad and a coach or two cheering me on like they thought I was the best swimmer they'd ever seen! I can still feel the change in my perspective as I turned my focus to finishing instead of winning. My discouragement was replaced with determination and my pity changed to peace knowing the people that mattered the most still believed in me and would be proud of me no matter what. Most of all, I always had strength to finish and was sometimes surprised it wasn't dead last!
I can relate so much to those seemingly insignificant memories of my childhood because they are magnified and so in-tune with how I feel now as a mom. When I'm discouraged in the day-to-day laps of motherhood, I am so grateful to have mentors and cheerleaders who remind me it's not a race and that I'm doing better than I think. As I'm learning to tune out the fake guilt and embrace the opportunities to be better as a mother, it becomes much more clear we're all on the same team and we're all totally floundering in our own ways! haha
I'll just end with this video. Grab a tissue.
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