I remember being a teenager and daydreaming about my future family. I couldn't wait to be a Mom and a Wife. That's all I wanted in the world. Just to decorate my home, cook good meals, fold laundry, rock my babies, read good books, be an active member in my church, and enjoy the quiet joy of a marriage relationship that had grown from first-date-butterflies into comfortable familiarity. I could see myself as that woman and I couldn't wait to be her.
I realized that after all my daydreaming and hoping and longing, one day, I would have to make it reality. I would have to flip the switch and become the person I so desperately wanted to be. And there was no way I could do that unless I was married and had children. How do you learn to be a wife until you're a wife? How can you be a good mom until you have a child to mother? That way of thinking can make your days feel so long and the wait feel eternal.
Then I got married.
I was a Wife to a real-life Husband. And I was supposed to be the woman up there^! When I didn't measure up (many a burnt meal or failed homemade mayonnaise had to be endured..), I felt so down on myself and so far from my goal. I knew it was silly then and I know it's silly now, but darn it, I wanted to be super-woman. Was that so much to ask??
Well, truth is, I still sometimes feel that way. Being a new mom with so many expectations for myself as a parent can sometimes feel so impossible. Like every mom, I want so badly for little Ember to be so happy and to have the best possible home to live in. But thankfully, being a good Mom or a good Wife doesn't seem to just happen with a switch. It's built with little moments and lots of patience.
Today I had just finished making dinner and my toe hurt from where a can of tomato sauce fell from the cupboard, bounced off my laptop and landed smack-dab on my foot. I was stomping around in frustration and bouncing back and forth between the kitchen and Ember's bedroom where she was supposed to be napping. And as I finished making a bottle and serving our plates, it hit me.
Kristen! You're doing it. ....It wasn't what I had always imagined...I certainly wasn't super woman or else I would have thrown that can 10 miles up the street and my laundry was still half in the dryer, half on the bedroom floor...but it was better, because it was real-life and I was learning along the way. And for those 15 minutes... I was exactly where I wanted to be, with exactly who I wanted to be with, and I was exactly who I wanted to become. A small fleeting moment, but such a relief. Maybe it isn't so impossible.
